Most shower heads release about two and a half gallons of water per minute. I usually take about ten minutes, you know, depending on whether or not I condition my mane, which is in the preliminary stages of ‘fro greatness.

I’m doing this because that shit’s impressive. Especially when I’m tasting wine, and people want to ask me stupid questions like, “How old are you?” and “So you’re a blogger, eh?” Look, bro, I’m just here to get a swig of this Masi right here, and, uh, just gimme a pour of the ’04, please!

The hair serves as a bit of a misdirection. Perhaps people will think I’m homeless and it’s best to leave me alone lest I pull some Gypsy magic on their wallets. So I’m more than willing to offer up 25 gallons or so in the name of beauty and intellectual space.

The Wine Spectator Top 100 = wine pr0n

But in all seriousness, as the trade tasting season begins I get an opportunity to try a lot of wines, some of them that aren’t as available to the average consumer as others. So, naturally, I have begun to think about wine porn. Wine porn is made up of wines that are declared awesome by experienced taste buds, and if the wines weren’t already nigh on impossible to obtain, they most certainly are now that everyone knows how badass they are.

Wine Spectator Top 100Perusing the new Wine Spectator Top 100 issue, I was pretty interested in the Classic Scoring Releases of 2010 list in the middle. One $400 Riesling in particular, scored 96 points, caught my eye because its production is an infinitesimal 6 cases. The bottles are only 375 mL. That is a total of, since you’re probably American and don’t “get” the metric system, seven gallons. To put it in layman’s terms, about the water usage of a three minute shower.

I’m being completely unfair in this description, I’ll admit. This Riesling made by Gunderloch is a Trockenbeerenauslese, a qualification for extremely ripe grapes that have literally rotted on the vine. The culprit fungus, botrytis cinerea, is a picky mother that only bothers to show up in rare vintages, but in its ashen path it leaves the finest flavors and aromas your olfacto-gustatory could ever hope to experience. It only makes sense, then, that there will barely be any available in the first place, and what is will be damn expensive.

A vinous sweet spot

But it has been heavy on my mind recently about how much attention is payed to wines that a, aren’t really available (ahem, Wine Spectator. cc. James Suckling) or b, aren’t really going to be bought by anyone. Because let’s be honest, how many wines over $40 are really purchased in the U.S.?

What I really think is that there’s a sweet spot in wine pricing, I’ll arbitrarily say $12 to $35 U.S., where you can find juice that even at the high end is within striking distance of most people’s wallets, but still can offer up plenty examples of liquid art. I want to devote my life to that.

So, I guess if you still need a little wine porn to kickstart your evening, go take a 3 minute shower and pretend you’re bathing in the entire world’s supply of delicious Gunderloch Riesling Trockenbeerenauslese Rheinhessen Nackenheim Rothenberg 2008 (hint: once you’re done pronouncing that mouthful, it’s prolly time to get out.)